1 Sentence Summaries

Moby Dick- Dude fucks around with a whale and finds out.

The Great Gatsby- Stalker has bad taste in women.

1984- Depressed guy works for Fox news except, instead of having to blow Roger Ailes, they just torture him the regular way.

The Lord of the Rings- Two short weirdos with foot hair throw away some jewelry.

To Kill a Mockingbird- Mike Myers wannabe shanks a MAGA nut.

The Catcher in the Rye- Emo kid walks around acting like a bitch.

Lolita- Jeffery Epstein biography.

Lord of the Flies- Stupid kids fuck up a perfectly good vacation.

Animal Farm- Whoever's in charge acts like a dick and sheep are stupid.

The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe- Kids find a Jesus lion in their closet.

The Odyssey- Dude goes to extraordinary lengths to avoid his wife and kid.

The Old Man and the Sea- Local geezer loses a fish because he sucks at everything.

Hamlet- Woman jumps in a river because a guy who's father was just murdered won't give her attention.

Fight Club- Schizophrenic squatter beats the shit out of himself then a bunch of incels beat the shit out of each other.

The Invisible Man- Allegory for every high school kid who's not an asshole.

Brave New World- Two white drug addicts show off their token Native American friend to a bunch of assholes.

Rendevous With Rama- A bunch of astronauts like to break and enter then have orgies.

Tender is the Night- Psychiatrist takes advantage of a crazy lady who's dad is a diddler.

The Talented Mr. Ripley- A guy that sucks tries to be somebody else.

The Island of Doctor Moreau- A place where people breed with animals, so basically Kentucky.

Space Odyssey 2001- A bunch of people look at a box then a guy in space needs tech support.

Foundation- Guy creates a back up plan because he knows everybody sucks and everybody will continue to suck for thousands of years.

War of the Worlds- Humanity is attacked by aliens smart enough to master interstellar travel but don't have antibiotics.

The Shining- A hotel elevator has its period then a guy goes crazy.

A Clockwork Orange- A guy watches a show so bad that makes him sick, so the Bachelor.

Of Mice and Men- Some dude that likes rabbits gets glocked.

House of Leaves- Guy shows his big walk in closet to his friends.

Tell Tale Heart- A guy doesn't like the way this other guy's eye looks, so naturally he dismembers him.

The Dark Tower- A guy kills a bunch a people from other books to get into a building, repeat.

Dracula- Old school emo bites people.

The Name of the Wind- Annoying ginger neck beard  who can totally shred on the lute gets kicked out of school.

Great Expectations- Kid tries to impress a girl with his art but she's not that into him, so basically ninth grade.

Ender's Game- Adults watch a kid play video games, so millennials on you tube.

Cell- Everyone's phone turns them into a zombie, so Facebook.

Under the Dome- People are stuck in a small town where a meth lab explodes, so a normal day in Florida.

A Separate Peace- A kid is jealous of another kid so he knocks him out of a tree.

Never Let Me Go- Extreme organ donors hang around being sad because they don't have kidneys anymore or whatever.

The Call of Cthulhu- A guy from RI goes to see some calamari.

Hyperion- The Canterbury Tales but with a robot that impales people.

Frankenstein- The original incel starts choking people out because his dad won't find him a date.

The Raven- Asshole bird makes fun of a grieving man.

Contact- Woman falls through a gyroscope so she can talk to an alien who looks like her dad.

Hell House- Some people check out a creepy house and one of them gets hit with an upside down statue of Jesus with a boner.

Mountains of Madness- People check out old buildings full of monsters, so everyone's middle school trip to DC.

Sphere- Some people look at a ball under water then somebody gets their ass kicked by jellyfish.

Leviathan wakes- A pandemic is spreading and all these different groups are fighting with each other instead of dealing with the pandemic, so now.

Jurassic Park- Some water is scary then a dinosaur eats a few dudes.

The Old Testament- A megalomaniac punishes people who don't do what he wants.

The Road- This guy without healthcare and his kid walk around trying not to get shot, so literally anywhere in America.

Harry Potter- Some creepy asshole makes it as difficult as possible for some kids to get an education, so the Betsey DeVos story.