1 Sentence Summaries
Moby Dick- Dude fucks around with a whale and finds out.
The Great Gatsby- Stalker has bad taste in women.
1984- Depressed guy works for Fox news except, instead of having to blow Roger Ailes, they just torture him the regular way.
The Lord of the Rings- Two short weirdos with foot hair throw away some jewelry.
To Kill a Mockingbird- Mike Myers wannabe shanks a MAGA nut.
The Catcher in the Rye- Emo kid walks around acting like a bitch.
Lolita- Jeffery Epstein biography.
Lord of the Flies- Stupid kids fuck up a perfectly good vacation.
Animal Farm- Whoever's in charge acts like a dick and sheep are stupid.
The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe- Kids find a Jesus lion in their closet.
The Odyssey- Dude goes to extraordinary lengths to avoid his wife and kid.
The Old Man and the Sea- Local geezer loses a fish because he sucks at everything.
Hamlet- Woman jumps in a river because a guy who's father was just murdered won't give her attention.
Fight Club- Schizophrenic squatter beats the shit out of himself then a bunch of incels beat the shit out of each other.
The Invisible Man- Allegory for every high school kid who's not an asshole.
Brave New World- Two white drug addicts show off their token Native American friend to a bunch of assholes.
Rendevous With Rama- A bunch of astronauts like to break and enter then have orgies.
Tender is the Night- Psychiatrist takes advantage of a crazy lady who's dad is a diddler.
The Talented Mr. Ripley- A guy that sucks tries to be somebody else.
The Island of Doctor Moreau- A place where people breed with animals, so basically Kentucky.
Space Odyssey 2001- A bunch of people look at a box then a guy in space needs tech support.
Foundation- Guy creates a back up plan because he knows everybody sucks and everybody will continue to suck for thousands of years.
War of the Worlds- Humanity is attacked by aliens smart enough to master interstellar travel but don't have antibiotics.
The Shining- A hotel elevator has its period then a guy goes crazy.
A Clockwork Orange- A guy watches a show so bad that makes him sick, so the Bachelor.
Of Mice and Men- Some dude that likes rabbits gets glocked.
House of Leaves- Guy shows his big walk in closet to his friends.
Tell Tale Heart- A guy doesn't like the way this other guy's eye looks, so naturally he dismembers him.
The Dark Tower- A guy kills a bunch a people from other books to get into a building, repeat.
Dracula- Old school emo bites people.
The Name of the Wind- Annoying ginger neck beard who can totally shred on the lute gets kicked out of school.
Great Expectations- Kid tries to impress a girl with his art but she's not that into him, so basically ninth grade.
Ender's Game- Adults watch a kid play video games, so millennials on you tube.
Cell- Everyone's phone turns them into a zombie, so Facebook.
Under the Dome- People are stuck in a small town where a meth lab explodes, so a normal day in Florida.
A Separate Peace- A kid is jealous of another kid so he knocks him out of a tree.
Never Let Me Go- Extreme organ donors hang around being sad because they don't have kidneys anymore or whatever.
The Call of Cthulhu- A guy from RI goes to see some calamari.
Hyperion- The Canterbury Tales but with a robot that impales people.
Frankenstein- The original incel starts choking people out because his dad won't find him a date.
The Raven- Asshole bird makes fun of a grieving man.
Contact- Woman falls through a gyroscope so she can talk to an alien who looks like her dad.
Hell House- Some people check out a creepy house and one of them gets hit with an upside down statue of Jesus with a boner.
Mountains of Madness- People check out old buildings full of monsters, so everyone's middle school trip to DC.
Sphere- Some people look at a ball under water then somebody gets their ass kicked by jellyfish.
Leviathan wakes- A pandemic is spreading and all these different groups are fighting with each other instead of dealing with the pandemic, so now.
Jurassic Park- Some water is scary then a dinosaur eats a few dudes.
The Old Testament- A megalomaniac punishes people who don't do what he wants.
The Road- This guy without healthcare and his kid walk around trying not to get shot, so literally anywhere in America.
Harry Potter- Some creepy asshole makes it as difficult as possible for some kids to get an education, so the Betsey DeVos story.